Oh hey there! Welcome back to Teen Mom: The Next Chapter! It’s been a few weeks since The Ashley recapped one of these MTV-funded clown fiestas, so put on your Dad Bod t-shirt, have a seat in your Lazy Boy recliner and let’s get right to it!
This episode kicks off in Michigan, moments after Catelynn and Tyler arrive home from the cast trip to NYC. After greeting their trio of Not Carlys, Cate and Tyler sit down and talk about how great it was to see (almost) everyone in New York. Naturally, Tyler reminds Cate that if they hadn’t placed Carly for adoption (with the no good, rotten yuckrats, BrandonNTeresa), then Carly would have been able to be exploited for profit be up there with the other ‘Teen Mom’ kids, too.
Cate then regales Tyler of a conversation she and Maci had (in the hotel bar, because…Maci) about how angry she is at BrandonNTeresa for swiping Carly out from under them. Last week Maci– in between slurping those Bud Lights on MTV’s dime— told Catelynn that she would be pissed if she were in that situation, too.
Catelynn says that not being able to have contact with Carly affects her more on certain days than others, claiming that the situation had her in tears just a week ago. She also says that often times, it’s important to talk to someone who’s “outside of the problem” in order to gain some new perspective, so she decides to reach out to… Dr. Drew to “pick his brain” on how to deal with being cut off from Carly.
Jesus God Leah….
Cate explains that over the years, Dr. Drew has not only been “a good resource,” but also a “friend.” More importantly, he’s available to provide some insight free of charge and is always happy to have a camera all up in his mug.
After less than two seconds of deliberating, Cate and Tyler agree that they should reach out to the T-shirt-and-blazer enthusiast, claiming they have “nothing to lose.”
Next we check in with Maci, but are instead greeted by Ryan’s (most-recent) baby mama, Amanda, who is moments away from heaving the latest Spawn ‘o’ Ryan from her loins. Amanda tells viewers that her water broke at 1 a.m. and six hours later, the couple’s daughter, Presley, makes her ‘Teen Mom’ debut.
As Ryan’s mom, Jen, drives the couple and their newborn home from the hospital, Ryan notes how different this baby’s birth was for him compared to his previous children’s births. He says that, while he was “excited for all of them,” (Sure, Jan Ryan), he wasn’t sober for the arrival of the last two kids.
As expected, Maci is one of the first calls Amanda makes after expelling a human from her body, and Maci– who shockingly wasn’t invited to be in the delivery room for Presley’s birth– says that she and Bentley will be over to meet the newest member of the Edwards family ASAP.
Later on at Maci’s messy MTV mansion, Maci shoves a pile of crap off the couch so she can sit down and talk to Bentley about his newest little sister and the fact that he has “too many” siblings at this point.
Bentley asks Maci what it was like when she and Ryan brought him home from the hospital. Luckily, Bentley’s parents and MTV have had a camera stuffed in his face since he was covered in afterbirth, so Maci can just let the kid watch the footage himself. After a brief trip down memory lane, Maci tells Bentley she loves when other people have new babies, because she can hold them, love them, smell them and then leave. (So…basically what Ryan did after Maci and Mackenzie gave birth to all of his kids?)
Next we head to California, where we find Cheyenne tossing yet another negative pregnancy test right where this entire show should go: into the trashcan.
Once again, Cheyenne tells viewers that trying to make another mini-influencer the natural way has been “difficult” on her, as she continues to feel as though something is wrong with her body. The frustration has gotten to her so much, she says, that she’s no longer keeping Zach updated on all of her pregnancy test taking and whatnot.
Well that’s good. He is super busy with work… er…school… um… trying new ringtones on his phone or something. Who cares.
Cheyenne decides to focus on getting her and Zach in to see a relationship coach. When Cheyenne goes downstairs to let Zach know that she’s scheduled an appointment for them, she finds Zach maxin’ and relaxin’ after a hard day at work on the couch, seeming unbothered by any and everything going in their marriage.
A few days later, Cheyenne and Zach throw on their best loungewear and head to Jon the relationship coach’s office, where they give a brief rundown on their situation and explain that they’ve been trying to get pregnant again for about a year. Cheyenne also notes that she and Zach don’t talk about the whole pregnancy thing unless she brings it up.
Zach admits to the relationship coach that he’s hesitant to bring certain things up with Cheyenne– including “the baby stuff”– as he was never taught how to “deal with women emotions.”
Proving that point, Cheyenne says she always has to be the one to broach tough topics with her husband whom she married willingly for reasons we’re unsure of at this moment and that Zach just doesn’t understand. Coach Jon goes on to talk to Cheyenne and Zach about different attachment styles, explaining that, when things “go bad,” people tend to respond with either an anxious attachment style or an avoidant attachment style. (Anyone want to bet that some production assistant had to slap Zach awake from off-camera during this scene?)
Unsurprisingly, Cheyenne and Zach find that they each lean towards a different attachment style, and Coach Jon determines that Cheyenne is ultimately looking for reassurance from Zach.
Finally, we go to Florida to see what the DeJesus Coven has gotten themselves into this week!
The gang (plus “Shirley”) are chit-chatting near the pool when Stella reveals the big news of the day: while on the bus, she witnessed a boy and girl kissing on school property.
“The definition of him is ICK!” Stella reports with sass.
Briana is disturbed to learn that her older daughter Nova is not being taught any form of sex education in school. That sets off some “go-getter” music, letting us know that some sort of hijink is about to happen.
Briana— determined not to have Nova end up having her teenage pregnancy play out in poorly drawn caricatures on a bad MTV show— decides to take matters into her own hands and figure out how to teach Nova about sex.
(Honestly can’t she just set the kid in front of the TV and let her watch Briana’s full ‘Teen Mom’ journey. It covers everything— why you shouldn’t bang dudes in bathroom stalls no matter how good of a DJ they are; how not to get chlamydia; why you shouldn’t bone your co-star’s ex-husband/baby daddy; and how to give your first baby daddy a lap dance while still feeling like a lady!)
She calls up her sister Brittany, who happens to be in Japan. Although she’s already got her slumber bonnet on, Britt’s not about to miss out on that ‘Teen Mom’ appearance fee, so she listens to Bri rant about the lack of sex ed in Nova’s school.
We are then reminded of how Roxanne handled the sex talk with Brittany and Briana. We see a flashback clip of Roxy telling Bri that she once wallpapered the girls’ rooms with pamphlets from the Health Department that showed diseased hooters and “hotdogs” to try to scare the girls out of having sex.
I think that’s nice…
(Since we know that both Brittany and Briana got pregnant as teens, it’s safe to say that “The Roxy Method” may not be very effective.)
Brittany warns Briana that these little barnacles at Nova’s school are “fast” and will be impregnating anything that walks after puberty happens. She suggests that Briana order Nova a baby simulator so that she can see what it’s like to have a baby as a teenager.
“One weekend make her stay at home and take care of it!” Britt says.
Brittany says that she had one of those dolls in the ninth grade and it made her not want to go bang one out behind the bleachers with any boys that came along.
“I never got that baby!” Briana says.
“Um, yeah because you got the real one!” Britt responds.
Even though Briana’s been on a TV show called ‘Teen Mom’ since MTV was still playing music videos, she says she has no idea how to talk to Nova about teen pregnancy and sex. She calls up an organization that helps teens learn about sex…or something. I have no clue.
The doctor lady gives Briana some basic info about putting a condom on a banana and stuff. She then tells Briana to make sure to tell Nova about pleasure and how it comes with sex.
Bri feels ready to have “the talk” with Nova.
Back in Michigan, Cate and Tyler hop on a video call with Dr. Drew and Cate confirms that her and Tyler’s once-open adoption is now completely closed. In response, Dr. Drew mentions the many (MANY) instances that the couple have taken their issues with Brandon and Teresa to social media, followed by a small sampling of some of the lengthy posts the two have shared with the public.
The recap of ranting includes an argument both Cate and Tyler have made that it was actually Brandon and Teresa who wanted to cut off contact, not Carly herself– something they have absolutely no proof of. While reflecting on some of the social media remarks the couple have made, Dr. Drew asks Cate and Tyler if they believe their words are affecting Carly, to which Cate says, “no.”
Instead, Cate argues that she’s only getting the truth out there in order to prevent Carly from thinking that she and Tyler were the ones who stopped reaching out. Tyler adds that he and Cate picked Brandon and Teresa to be Carly’s parents specifically because they believed they’d always have an open line of communication with Carly.
Dr. Drew says that he’d love to see things mended between the two families, noting that he feels “sad” for everyone involved.
Dr. Drew then offers to reach out to BrandonNTeresa himself to get their side of the story and Cate and Tyler give him the go ahead, reiterating that they just want Carly to know the truth.
I’m sure a random phone call from Dr. Freaking Drew is just what BrandonNTeresa need while they’re out here dodging Cate and Ty’s social media rants like they’re stuck in a human version of the video game Frogger.
A few days later, Cate reaches out to Dr. Drew for an update on the BrandonNTeresa ambush situation. Cate receives a response from Dr. Drew, who asks to talk to the couple later that week over a video chat.
Naturally, because this is the best storyline this show has had since Catelynn and April randomly brought home a pet pig, they are going to hold off on giving us “the goods” until the next episode.
Oink.
Back in California, Zach meets up with Cheyenne’s dad Kyle, to talk about “the whole pregnancy thing,” as Zach puts it. Zach tells Kyle that Cheyenne is a little down about not being pregnant yet, claiming that it’s got her “all the way messed up.”
Zach goes on to tell Kyle that he and Cheyenne went to see a relationship coach. Surprisingly, Zach tells Kyle he liked both the session and Coach Jon. After confirming that he and Cheyenne are going to continue seeing Coach Jon, Zach tells Kyle that he’s been trying to keep things positive in his marriage by encouraging Cheyenne to “cowboy up”– a sentiment that Kyle cautions Zach from using.
Kyle tells Zach that if Cheyenne is upset, the last thing she wants to hear is “keep going,” especially in the form of “cowboy up.” Instead, he suggests that Zach console Cheyenne, noting that women tend to be very good at doing that with men. Kyle even admits that it took him getting a divorce to realize some of the mistakes he had made in his marriage.
Kyle also talks to Zach about the “pregnancy thing” and reiterates that Cheyenne has been blaming herself for the fact that she’s not pregnant again. Kyle encourages Zach to “jump in” and try his best to uplift Cheyenne– not to be confused with “cowboy up.”
Following his heart-to-heart with Kyle, Zach decides to make an effort to cheer up Cheyenne by planning a date night. After leaving the kids with a sitter, Cheyenne and Zach head out to dinner, where Cheyenne pretends to be interested in Zach’s crazy “work load,” before bringing up their session with Coach Jon.
Cheyenne tells Zach she feels better after getting some of her feelings out during the session. Zach says he and Cheyenne just “need to figure it out,” noting that there are “other routes” they can take to try to get pregnant, as long as Cheyenne is willing to do them.
Later on, Cheyenne tells viewers she’s glad that she and Zach are finally on the same page and that they’re both accepting that they may need help in order to have another baby. Cheyenne says if it doesn’t end up happening, at least they can say they exhausted all options.
Back in Florida, it’s time for Briana to mortify her teenage daughter on-camera. To make things even more embarrassing, Briana calls in reinforcements via Roxy to have the sex talk with poor, unsuspecting Nova.
Roxy high-tails it right over and they call Nova into the room. Instantly, the kid knows something is up.
“You’re growing up. It’s time for us to have some conversations,” Briana says, to which Nova instantly rolls her eyes, realizing it’s her turn to sacrifice herself to make that MTV paycheck.
Nova tells Briana that she doesn’t really know what sex is.
“Sex is what two consenting adults do when they love each other,” Briana explains. (Roxy can barely keep herself from snorting with laughter.)
“They share a moment that’s pleasurable,” Bri continues. “And it’s when a penis enters a vagina. And that is called penetration. It is a beautiful thing, but when you’re at a young age like yourself it may not be the best thing to do.”
Nova— who is probably longing for the days where she could just go to itsyoursexlife.com and learn all this without the cringy on-camera conversation— looks both bored and mortified.
Roxy pipes in to say that boys are gonna say they like you a lot just so they can get their grubby teenaged mitts on your no-nos. She tells Nova that, if she says no to a boy about sex, “no is f**king no.”
Next, Roxy and Bri bust out the condoms.
“Why do you HAVE one?!” Nova screams.
Um…girl. If your mom had one 13 years ago, your mug wouldn’t be on this damn show….
Briana explains why it’s necessary to have the boy wear a condom. Roxy then sprinkles some more of her grandmotherly wisdom into the conversation.
“And don’t buy it when a boy says, ‘Oh it doesn’t feel good with it!’ No motherf**ker, WEAR IT!” she yells.
Briana shows Nova how to put a condom on a banana, and Nova giggles.
Briana asks Nova if she has any questions, and Nova is like, “Please for the love of all that is holy let me walk away from this mortification factory!”
At that exact moment, Stella comes running in with a picture she’s drawn of a “bone”…but it clearly looks like something that needs to be wrapped up in one of those Trojan Ultra Thins.
Speaking of not wearing condoms, we next head over to Ryan and Amanda’s house, where Jen and Larry help the couple settle in with their newborn. Next, Ryan’s dad takes it upon himself to give his future daughter-in-law a lecture on birth control. Larry tells Amanda that before she and Ryan get “back in the saddle,” (i.e. starts playing “hide the banana” with Amanda again), Ryan needs to get a vasectomy and Amanda agrees.
Larry then channels his inner “Portwood.”
“I’M DONE!” he tells Amanda, assumingly meaning he and Mimi Jen are done helping raise all the youngins Ryan keeps producing.
Later on, Bentley and Maci head to Amanda and Ryan’s house to meet the baby and naturally, Maci is the first to swoop in to hold/smell/rub her orange-colored makeup all over baby Presley’s face. Between sniffs, Maci asks Ryan and Amanda if they’re getting any sleep and Ryan says “they” are. In a terrible attempt to tout Ryan’s fathering skills, Amanda announces that Ryan helps out with their baby just as much as she does…except at night.
After some more reminiscing about the big ol’ crapbag Ryan was around baby Bentley, Maci tells viewers that she definitely sees a “different Ryan” today than she’s seen in the past. She notes that Ryan is finally appreciating and “taking in the moments” with his new child. She also gives him props for being “obviously way more present” this time around.
Back in Florida, Nova’s baby simulator has arrived! (Seriously, are we sure it wasn’t sent from Jenelle‘s address? I feel like she’d be happy to stuff Ensley or Kaiser in there and send them off?)
Once Briana explains to Nova that they’re still going strong with this storyline, she rips the box open and shows Nova her new “son.”
Nova does not look happy to see the “Ready or Not Tot.” (She honestly has the same look Jenelle had every time she gave birth to another kid.)
The baby is a boy, and Nova “welcomes” it by immediately smushing its face into the kitchen counter. Briana explains how Nova will tend to her baby for the next 48 hours.
You know the ‘Teen Mom’ producers have been waiting 16 damn years to do this storyline! The time has finally come!
They decide to name the baby “Bartholomew” aka “Barth.” Honestly, that’s not even the worst baby name to come out of ‘Teen Mom.’ (Looking at your names for your twins, Leah Messer.)
Nova is not pleased when she learns her mom’s little storyline grabber situation is not just for the cameras. She’s told she can go out bowling with her friends only if she brings Barth with her. Nova shoots her a death stare.
That night, Barth awakens Nova by crying and the poor girl is not having it.
“I’m very annoyed,” she tells us.
The next day, Nova’s friend arrives to go bowling. She is presented with Barth and Nova tells her that Briana is forcing her to take care of it. Nova tells her friend that she “begged and pleaded” with Briana not to make her take Baby Storyline with her to the bowling alley, but Briana insisted.
Nova— clearly taking some tips from the Amber Portwood School of Motherhood— forgets about her kid and leaves it on the floor once they arrive at the bowling alley. She picks it up and “cuddles” it after being told to, but she looks completely miserable.
Nova later tells Briana that having a kid is hard. Briana tells Nova she gave up everything after she got knocked up.
“I even had to drop out of college!” Briana tells her. (Um…didn’t she go to college like one day and Roxy bought her “Great Job!” stickers or something? Or was that a fever dream I had after watching too much Teen Mom 3?)
Nova tells the cameras that the baby experience has been “annoying but educational” and that she feels happy that “it’s going to leave soon.”
That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ Click here to read some of The Ashley’s other recaps!
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():focal(748x357:750x359)/rhoa-chloe-kelli-ferrell-050525-037be8e752d347b187e8a5d2d8825462.jpg "RHOA's Kelli Ferrell Opens Up About Filming 'Healing' Conversation with Her Daughter About Estranged Stepfather")
