Stassi Schroeder has admitted she will 'live with guilt forever' after having once sent pictures of her self-harm wounds to her husband Beau Clark, describing the move as one of the 'most vile and manipulative' things she has ever done.
The Vanderpump Rules alum, 36, addressed her struggle with self-harm in her new memoir, You Can't Have It All, while also revealing that she had previously suffered with suicidal thoughts and had contemplated jumping off a building.
In one of her most shameful and 'feral' moments, however, Stassi recalled how she was once so angry that Beau, 44, had gone out to dinner instead of staying with her that she bombarded him with texts and calls – before slicing her hip and sending photos of her injuries.
Writing in her book, Stassi said: 'I was feral. And then I remember cutting the side of my hip.
'This is the part that's the hardest to write and admit. It's maybe one of the most vile, manipulative, horrible things I've ever done....
In her memoir, You Can't Have It All, the reality star, 36, described the act as one of the 'most vile, manipulative, horrible things I've ever done'
'I sent Beau and Katie Maloney photos of what I had done to myself. If that's not one of the most twisted and cruel things to do to someone, I don't know what is. I'll live with that guilt forever.'
Stassi continued that after she had sent the images, Beau left the dinner and came back home.
'He spent the majority of the night on the phone with his mom,' she penned.
'We woke up the next morning and he said if that ever happened again, even in the slightest bit, he'd be out of the relationship.
'That was the last time I ever hurt myself. Beau saved me that day.'
Stassi and Beau began dating in 2017, and announced their engagement in 2019.
The pair married in a small backyard ceremony in September 2020 during Covid and welcomed their daughter Hartford in January 2021.
They married again in May 2022 at the Hotel de Russie in Italy, before welcoming their son Messer Rhys last September.
The couple share two children together; son Messer Rhys, one, and daughter Hartford, three
Stassi bravely shared that she struggled with self-harm for 11 years, and, at her lowest moments, experienced suicidal feelings, but after sending those images to Beau she has not thought about harming herself.
'I self-mutilated in order to cope with any extreme feelings of sadness, anxiety, or anger,' she wrote.
'There have been times in my life where I considered driving my car into a building, or jumping out of the window of my high-rise apartment.
'I know what it feels like to not want to live.'
The reality star revealed that she was sent into a mental health spiral after her mentor, who she refers to as Luke, took his own life while she was at college.
Prior to his passing, Stassi said she had not experienced loss.
She spoke candidly about her self-harm journey in her newly released memoir You Can't Have It All
'When Luke died, most of those big dreams for myself did too,' she wrote. 'At that point I was lucky enough to have never experienced loss before.
'I hadn't known anyone who had passed away, much less someone who took their own life. I couldn't comprehend the sadness he must have felt.
'His death consumed me. It was all I thought about. I stopped going to my classes and locked myself in my campus apartment and cried, all day and night.'
One night in the wake of Luke's death, Stassi found herself home alone in her student kitchen when she felt an 'impulse' to harm herself as she uncontrollably sobbed.
She wrote: 'I couldn't stop crying. At that moment something came over me, and I reached for a kitchen knife.
'I don't know where the impulse came from. That night was the first time I cut myself. It was just a little bit on my forearm, and it calmed my hysterical sobbing.'
Last week, Stassi revealed she is unsure about how to explain her self-harm scars to her three-year-old daughter.
In an interview with Bustle, she shared: 'When I look at myself naked, Hartford will see a little line, and she'll be like, "Mommy, ouchie."'
'I'm like, "Oh, God, that feels dirty. How will I ever explain to her that this was something that I chose?"'
'It just feels like it's been a secret, and I don't like secrets. I think that's part of maybe why I do what I do — podcasts, just living out loud,' she added.
'Because there is this feeling of: "I'm free. Everyone knows my s**t. I don't have to hide anything.'
For help with self-harm contact Crisis Text Line, a nonprofit organization that provides free, 24/7, confidential self-harm support in English and Spanish.
