Tyler Baltierra was back on The Interwebs on Monday, once again discussing the topic of his biological daughter Carly’s parents, Brandon and Teresa Davis and Carly’s 2009 adoption, which played out during an episode of 16 and Pregnant.
As The Ashley has told you, Tyler and his wife Catelynn Lowell have recently been speaking out (a lot) about the negative aspects of Carly’s adoption. They’ve also recently revealed that Brandon and Teresa have cut off all communication with them, something the Teen Mom stars feel is a disservice to Carly, as well as their three other children.
On Monday, Tyler addressed the topic of why Brandon and Teresa adopted Carly, and why he and Catelynn chose them to be Carly’s adoptive parents. He also discussed how little Brandon and Teresa did to help him and Catelynn after they relinquished their parental rights to Carly, and how he feels that Brandon and Teresa still hold a lot of trauma from not being able to have their own biological children, which could be a reason for why they’re treating Catelynn and Tyler the way that they are.
“What I want for Brandon and Teresa is to heal from whatever infertility journey they have,” Tyler said on Instagram Live.
“And I don’t know what that really is, they never really went into detail. But I just hope they find a lot of healing with that because I’ve been doing my research as far as the adoptive parents’ feelings and the trauma that they go through, the grief and loss that comes with not being able to have your own biological child and fulfill those fertility/parenting dreams,” Tyler added.
Tyler went on to say that Brandon and Teresa were “kind of forced by nature to go the adoption route” to become parents. (In addition to adopting Carly, the Davises also adopted a son several years after Carly’s adoption.)
“Correct me if I’m wrong– anyone out there that is an adoptive parent– but I don’t really know any adoptive parent who, you know, jumped for joy and said, ‘I want to be an adoptive mom or an adoptive dad or adoptive parents or whatever.’ I don’t think really any of them really wanted it. Just like birth parents: none of us want to relinquish our child. It’s just not a thing,” he said.
“I think that needs to be understood: that adoption from all sides is trauma,” Tyler continued. “You can’t have adoption without trauma…please understand that’s what you’re dealing with: someone’s very personal, hard, traumatic experience that’s unique to them.”
Tyler went on to say that Bethany Christian Services— the adoption agency used to facilitate Carly’s adoption— made $188 million last year, and that the average adoption costs about $50,000— none of which goes to helping the birth mother after she has the child. He also called out Brandon and Teresa for not ensuring that Catelynn was taken care of post-birth.
“In order for my dreams of having a child to be fulfilled…if they required a woman to be traumatized and having to relinquish her child, I would literally do anything that I could do to help that woman, post-birth and post-relinquishing, to get any help that she could get,” he said. “Immediately, get her into therapy. I would do anything to kind of help her.
“As an adoptive parent, to know that I wouldn’t have this opportunity to fulfill my dreams of becoming a parent— that requires the trauma of somebody else— and to not have the compassionate dedication to help this woman, post- birth? That’s crazy to me,” Tyler said later in the Live. “…And I think it’s interesting that the moment that Cate placed Carly, that was it.”
Tyler said that he and Catelynn were repeatedly told how “grateful” they should feel that Carly was adopted and not raised in the chaotic environment that they were raised in, but no one– not even Brandon and Teresa— cared about how Catelynn was doing after she gave up her baby.
“Everyone was so concerned about Carly not being raised in the trauma and addiction and just chaos [that were our lives at the time Carly was born], but the moment Cate relinquished Carly, it was like, ‘OK, now go back to your trauma. Go back to your chaotic household and buck up and get over it.’ It’s like, no aftercare? That’s insane to me. That blows my mind as an adult looking back.
“[Everyone was like], ‘This baby should not be raised in this [chaos]. You’re doing a good thing, good for you.’ And then it was like, ‘OK, now child— because [Catelynn] was a child— go back and be grateful that your child is not being raised in this environment.’ With no aftercare. That’s mind-blowing to me.”
Later in the Live, Tyler addressed the terms of Carly’s open adoption. Viewers of “16 and Pregnant” and ‘Teen Mom’ saw Tyler and Catelynn— as well as Carly’s adoptive parents— sign an agreement regarding visitation, etc; however, Tyler stated that nothing in the contract was actually legally binding.
“We signed this thing, we had all these expectations…when we made this decision, we verbally agreed on specific things and we said that we wanted an open adoption,” he said.
At the time of the adoption, Carly’s parents were aware that Cate and Ty were going to be featured on an episode of “16 and Pregnant.” However, they were not aware at the time of the adoption that the couple would go on to appear on the spin-off ‘Teen Mom’ and continue to publicly discuss Carly’s adoption on TV.
Tyler stated that, in his opinion, Brandon and Teresa were wrong to agree to the terms of an open adoption that would be shown on TV if that’s not what they were really OK with.
“And I have to say that, if Brandon and Teresa were not OK with the publicity of their child’s adoption story, they should have said no,” Tyler said. “When they were asked, ‘Hey, it’s going to be documented on a public TV show’ or whatever, they should have said no. And when the information got to them saying, ‘Hey, they want an open adoption. They want face-to-face visits’…they could have said no.
“… So now, 14 years later— after having this open adoption, which, slowly I could sense was closing— I think is wrong,” Tyler said. “Not only because it’s not what we agreed upon, but because you had the opportunity to say no.”
Tyler then stated that Brandon and Teresa may have agreed to terms they didn’t intend to follow through with, just to ensure that they got to adopt a baby.
“A part of me feels like the longing to fulfill your infertility solution, and having these dreams of being a parent, you just said, ‘Yeah it’s fine.’ Even though you clearly didn’t want any of that,” he said. “So, when I look back at it, me and Cate were very clear on what we wanted and expected, and why we chose them— because they agreed to these things. However, on their end, they clearly didn’t want any of this from the get-go. So, why?
“I just don’t understand why. It’s not like another couple wouldn’t have picked them. It’s not like it was the only chance they were ever going to have at fulfilling those dreams of being parents. So, anyway, I just feel like it’s just sad at the end of it all.”
Tyler admitted that, in the years after Carly’s adoption, he and Catelynn enjoyed the praise they received for making the choice to place Carly for adoption.
“I think me and Cate spent a lot of years after [Carly’s adoption] kind of soaking up the glorification of our ‘sacrifice,'” Tyler said. “And it’s really confusing as a birthparent to be experiencing this inner turmoil in this completely shredding thing of your spirit— emotionally or whatever– and then have people pat you on the back and say, ‘But you did such a good thing. You gave such a gift.’ It kind of minimizes our freedom. It feels like we can’t [say it wasn’t a gift]. It minimizes our emotions.”
Tyler also stated that, if he could go back and do things differently, he would have questioned Brandon and Teresa a lot more before agreeing to make them Carly’s parents. (In another recent Live, Tyler admitted that he regrets choosing Brandon and Teresa to be Carly’s parents; however, he insisted he does not regret his decision to place Carly for adoption.)
“If I could go back in time, I would have asked Brandon and Teresa, ‘Have you done grief and loss counseling? Have you learned about adoptee-specific traumas and mental health issues when it comes to identity, genetic-mirroring’…’Do you expect to close this at any time, as long as safety isn’t in violation or whatever?’ There are just certain things I would ask the adoptive parents to get to know them first.
